AN IRRECOVERABLE FALL
(A short story)
PART 3 :
It wasn't before long that both
Shanila and Anoop started to crave for receiving each other’s message as soon
as they get back home from the college. And surprising the whole class, Anoop
started to attend more lectures. Without Anoop bunking, Amal and Suhail were at
the receiving end – they had to attend the lectures as well which they hated
like anything. And even if Anoop bunked classes, he would make sure that he
will be available in the class for a chat with Shanila during any available
interval time. This was a potential risk factor for Amal and Suhail as they had
to act like tail pieces; they feared that Anoop might attend the lectures after
the interval time. Even Suhail, the best ‘
Romeo’ in the group, had to accept that things were going out of hand.
The usual ‘Good night and Take
care’ messages started to change and a bunch of ‘emoticons’ plus ‘expressive
and caring’ chats replaced them. Shanila would yearn for a ‘Take care my pretty Shaans’ message on
every night from Anoop. Anoop was the kind of guy who usually hated sugary talks.
He was not the best at being expressive too. But the days he chatted with
Shanila made him more creative, and he ended up creating an exception in his
mind for this single case; which was of his own.
One day, Amal got knocked out of
a ‘Rummy match’ very early while playing with Anoop, Suhail and also few others
who also bunked the classes, in Anoop’s PG room. With the help of auxiliary
connection to the speakers, it was from Anoop’s mobile that the songs were
being played in the room. As the game was played for money - a petty cash
though - Amal was in shortage of money to rejoin the tournament. They were all
playing on the floor of the neatly tiled hall of Anoop’s PG room, which would
have looked decent and beautiful if not for the presence of some burnt
cigarette butts lying scattered all over it. Amal, after getting knocked out,
rose up from his squatted posture and walked towards the wooden desk in the
hallway where Anoop’s phone was kept. He
quickly lighted one cigarette and asked Anoop after taking the phone in his
hand, “Anoop… what’s your password? I am sick of hearing songs from this
playlist”
Anoop was on the verge of winning
the hand. So, without even looking at Amal, he said, “3766”
The game went on. It wasn't before
long that Anoop noticed Amal, sitting on a chair near to the desk, laughing to
himself and enjoying like anything, but very quietly. In a flash, the reason
why Amal was laughing transpired in Anoop’s mind and he threw the cards away
and shouted, “You douche bag, gimme the phone back” He sprang up from the floor
towards Amal.
Amal seized the opportunity and
unchained the powerful urge to laugh out loud, that he had suppressed till
then, and started to cackle like anything. This drew the attention of all the
others in the room. Without paying any heed to any of this, Amal kept on
laughing. Anoop reached close to Amal very quickly. As Anoop got closer, Amal
asked him in a low voice, “Anoop, really? Since when did you become this
poetic?”
Anoop slapped Amal and started to
use all his force to get back his phone. Amal was laughing his heart out. He
said, “If you pressurize me again, I swear your poem is gonna go live in front
of these guys”
Anoop passed on a menacing look
at Amal, “No you wouldn’t do that”
Amal said, “Oh Yes, I will. It is
too much fun” and he broke out laughing again.
The game had stopped and the
players were looking at Amal. Amal was everyone’s favourite in the college for
his quick wit and joyful nature. Everyone wanted to know what was happening.
One guy called out, “Hey Amal, what is it?”
Amal replied to this, “Looks like
we forgot to realize we have a Shakespeare here…. A cajoling and local Shakespeare
though”
Hearing this, Anoop ducked his
head to Amal’s ears with his hands clamped tight onto Amal’s. Amal had tightly
gripped the mobile using both his hands. It was impossible for Anoop to take it
back by force. Once Anoop realized that fact, he whispered to Amal,
“Pleaaaaaaase… Come! Let’s go to that room and talk”
And after repeated efforts, which
were but full of pleas, Anoop somehow persuaded Amal to go to another room with
him. He wanted to somehow talk sense to Amal. These attempts only brought out
an even better guffaw from Amal. Suhail quickly rose up and tried to join them
in the private chat, but the door was slammed right across his face as Anoop
was very careful about not to leak the information more. Inside the room, Anoop
made Amal sit in the bed. Amal asked Anoop, “Shaaans?”
Anoop’s face was red with
embarrassment. He didn’t speak anything.
Amal continued, “I thought you
were a tough guy. But Pretty Shaans? Sweet heart? What the fuck! Wait till I
get this news to Suhail. You had made fun of him for his sentimental approach
towards girls right”
Anoop replied, “No… No… No…
Please… I will do anything for you. This is not like that. This is… This is.. Divine actually…” He gulped after
saying the last word.
Hearing this Amal laughed even
more. He was not even able to sit properly and was reaching for the nearby
chair for support. Holding his stomach with one hand, he said, “I can’t take
this anymore. Divine? What? You two are planning to release a new Bible or
something with your sex-chats?”
Anoop replied, with
uncontrollable anger, “You can’t understand it. It’s not a sex chat. It’s
called care. You know only to jerk off”
Amal said grinning at him, “Yeah
correct. It’s not Bible. It’s an entirely new version of Kamasutra. Isn’t it?”
This was enough for Anoop to
pounce at Amal and start fighting. Amal was getting all the beatings. But he
was laughing all along with that.
For the next few days, Anoop was
the official sponsor of all Alcoholic and Tobacco-related items that Amal
wanted. Like ‘The Godfather’, Anoop
made an offer to Amal that he could not refuse. But it went only for a few days
until Amal had to depend completely on Anoop again to bunk the classes with
full attendance.
But the days were like hell for
Anoop. Not just Anoop, but at times, for Shanila as well, though she had no
idea why. Anoop didn’t tell about this incident to Shanila. But Shanila always felt
a bit awkward when Amal used to look and smile at her in a typical way. And
even one day, Amal after seeking some help from Shanila for some record writing
stuff, thanked Shanila in a whole new manner to worsen the situation, “Thank
you Shaaaaaaaaaaans”
But all these never hindered the
intimate relationship between Shanila and Anoop. The only complaint Anoop had,
was that Shanila was not at all letting her emotions flow.
Shanila never used to express any
of her emotions. She would just reply, ‘Good night’ for a long
‘Good night
This only made Anoop feel more embarrassed
as he felt like he was acting like a servile wheedler to Shanila. But he
couldn’t help it. The worst part used to come when Anoop was drunk. The next
morning on checking his sent messages, his half-black parched lower-lip
automatically stretches downward with wrinkled noses and pulled eyebrows. “AARGH”
But he always wondered why
Shanila never used to get frustrated or angry. He even wondered why she would
not just walk out of the chat when he was out of his control. And that
explained a lot to Anoop.
Anoop was getting really attached
to Shanila. He started to care for her. These caring sessions usually brought up
a feeling of wretch to Amal. The awkwardness that Anoop used to feel in the
morning, whenever he checked the ‘sent-item box’ in his mobile after a late
night boozing session, dawned in Amal as well when he saw the clumsy and
romantic expressions on Anoop’s face whenever he met Shanila. “YUCK”.
And for this, Amal used to take his revenge by teasing Anoop. “Did your pretty
Shaans have lunch?”, “Did your pretty Shaans write her exams well?” and even
“Did your pretty Shaans wear an underwear today?” Anoop used to pummel Amal
like anything for this. But the most likely case was him keeping quiet. Amal’s
knowledge on this subject posed a serious threat that loomed around Anoop’s
prestige and freak-status among his college mates. And it was too big for him
to risk.
Anoop used to sit by Shanila’s
side during the interval hours and talk to her on his adventures at his house
and with his friends. But Shanila never had anything to share with him on her
personal affairs. He only knew the name of her father, which was “Shajahan” and
that too, only with the help of the daily attendance in the college.
Though Shanila was not open to
Anoop on her personal stuffs, her way of caring Anoop was by being very strict
with him. She never was concerned about him bunking the classes for she knew he
would get the attendance somehow by coaxing the teachers. But she was strict
with him whenever the exam-times approached. She insisted that he studied. This
part was affecting Amal as well. But Shanila became the reason for Anoop and
Amal not getting debarred.
Eight months to the relationship
and the College Annual festival arrived. Shanila had never attended any of the previous college festivals. In fact, she was never allowed to before, by her
parents. But that year she pleaded and somehow persuaded her parents to let her
attend the three-day festival. She did that because, the fact that Anoop was
the Arts club secretary really mattered to her this time. Anoop had pressurized
Shanila to attend it as well. He used to tell Shanila that it was not just
about her seeing his Managerial skills, but something else too. He also told
her that he had given his name for some competition. She would very often ask
him as to what he was planning to do. But Anoop used the tag, ‘SURPRISE’ to keep her quiet. Shanila
even asked Amal as to what Anoop was going to perform. Amal only said one thing
whenever such questions came to him, “It’s going to be a blast. That’s all you
have to know Shaaaans”
The stretched and mocking ‘Shaaaaans’ call by Amal made Shanila
stop asking him more on the subject.
The College Annual day was on.
The timing was from evening 4 pm to 10 pm. College buses were there to drop the
students back home thereafter.
It was a three-day cultural fest.
And on the first day, Shanila didn’t see Anoop perform anything at all. She
even wondered whether it would be just a prank to somehow make her attend the
fest. But on attending the festival she understood another thing; the reason why
Anoop used to describe the college as a ‘Mini-Goa’
when the festival time was on, after the sun sets in. The college was full
of part-time drunkards. What happened in the stage never really mattered to any
of the male spectators – just the music was enough to turn them on.
Shanila couldn’t even get a
chance to meet Anoop for he was that busy with his schedules. But she never
complained.
It was the second day and at 6 p
m the solo-song competition started.
The usual practice was that from
each branch viz. Electrical, Mechanical, Automobile, Computer science etc., a
group of best 4 performers were selected through a separate screening process
that usually happened before the festival. The selected few were then to
perform and compete in the big stage.
After the first three
performances, the Anchor came in to the stage and said, “Wow! That was one
breath-taking performance from Vineeth. I really wish to speak more on
Vineeth’s performance, but at present I can’t wait till we move on to the next
one. Sorry Vineeth, No offence. You will know why, once I finish announcing the
name of the next participant. Yes! We have a surprise participant here guys.
Even I was kept in the dark about this guy going to perform. And it surely
raises my apprehensions. No doubt. I
can’t wait till I finish announcing” Someone from the front row of the crowd
shouted at this, “Then announce and get the hell out of here” The Anchor was
stunned with this response. “Ok, Ok… Calm down.. I am also very eager to see
this guy perform. So, I am not dragging this anymore. Next we have on stage,
our one and only………. Guess who… Our Arts club secretary, Anoop Rudrat… from 4th
Year ‘Electrical and Electronics’ batch. Guys…. give him a big hand. He is the
heart and soul of this festival”
Anoop slowly walked in and once
he entered the stage, people started howling and calling his name. He was very
famous in the college. All expected a fun scene. Some teachers were frowning as
they were angry, thinking how he ended up in the Main stage after clearing the
screening process. After all, Anoop was the Arts club secretary and nothing was
impossible for him.
He came to the stage and waited a
bit for the people to stop howling. Then he said through the mike, “C’mon guys.
Shut up”
The students stopped for a second
and started howling again.
Anoop said, “Oh God, now I know
what hell looks like” The college Principal seated in the front row was fuming
with anger. He asked the college Director sitting to his left, “Who gave this
guy a chance? He is gonna screw my sleep tonight. I will rip him apart if he
makes a joke of us up from there”
The howling and whistling was
still on.
Anoop continued, “I l give you an
even better chance to howl. Now give me a break” and he laughed in front of the
mike.
The students erupted again. Anoop
was still laughing. This was when the lights were turned off and the laser
lights started working. The karaoke of “Tum hi ho” Hindi song from the movie
‘Aashiqui 2’ started to play. The crowd fell into silence. They never expected
the Karaoke of such a song for Anoop to start singing.
Amal said to Suhail standing to
his left, “Romeo cut loose…Here we go...”
The crowd waited. And then his
sound erupted through the speakers. The grandeur of his voice was impeccable.
The mellifluous tune of a grand singer put the entire crowd into pin drop
silence. None was moving. It felt to all like some professional singer was
singing the song up from the stage. The bodies of the students started to move
in tandem with his voice. In few seconds the whole crowd was clapping in tandem
to the beats of the song and they were moving like a wave. Only one person
didn’t move. It was Shanila. Her eyes were moist with tears. She felt like the
song was meant for her. Suddenly out of nowhere she felt proud that ‘he was hers’. She forgot everything.
Anoop was breaking into all the
pitches and heights. He was smiling and playing with the emotions of the crowd.
The song’s last stanza, he took to the highest range and ended up with a
different tone proving to all the spectators, his might to go the utmost
standards of a singer. His eyes were closed when he was singing the last stanza.
Some girls even had their eyes wet with tears. Amal was shell-shocked seeing
this. He told Suhail with his eyes fixed on the girls who were enjoying his
song, “I always knew this fucker knows how to sing. But I never imagined he
will get a chance to play with some ____ with this exotic song”
Suhail shouted, “Exotic? Oh shut
up. You can’t possibly understand this feeling”
Amal looked at Suhail with his
eyebrows arched and said, “Oh sorry! I forgot I was talking to another Romeo
here”
This was when Anoop opened his
eyes. His eyes were moist with tears. But he was not crying. A slight smile was
there, hidden in his lips. Shanila was standing up from her seat without her
knowledge. So were a lot of other girls in the crowd too. Before the crowd
started to clap and whistle, Anoop shot a quick glance at Shanila and said,
“Thank you” and got out from the stage asap.
The Principal was sitting like
hit by some High Voltage Electric Current. He said under his breath, “Damn”
The crowd was roaring. The Anchor
was back on the stage and Anoop came out through the back stage. Shanila in
haste got up from her seat and wriggled her way out from the nasty crowd. She
wanted to meet him ASAP. Once she reached there, she saw that Anoop was
surrounded by his friends. But she saw him moving them aside and trying to come
to her. She thought in her mind, ‘You
are mine.. Just mine’ Shanila kept on repeating this in her mind. She was
about to go and hug him any moment. She was waiting until he got close to her.
She didn’t care about anything else in the world at that particular moment.
Anoop had his eyes riveted into
Shanila’s. He shouted out aloud, “Oye… That was meant for you” And Anoop was
moving towards Shanila in a small jog.
Suddenly Fathima came from
Shanila’s behind and took her hand by force and asked her in a fervent manner,
‘What are you doing?’
Shanila looked at Fathima blankly
– She was in an entirely different world. Fathima pressed, forcing Shanila to
concentrate, “What are you doing Shanila? I thought you promised me that you
would….” Shanila looked at Fathima for quite a while blankly. She then nodded
her head like she was relinquishing something. Her eyes were red. Accepting the
reality, she came back to her senses.
Shanila shook her head, turned
back and started walking back to her seat.
Anoop started to run behind her.
He was calling, ‘Hey…Shanila…. Shaans……… Hey……..”
Shanila didn’t pay heed to any of
these.
Anoop called again, “Shaaans….
Oye……… I love you…”
Shanila stopped. But she didn’t
turn back.
Anoop said again, “I love you
Shaans”, He was gasping heavily. He had stopped as well and said, “I can’t run
behind you anymore. Just stop”
Shanila was crying. She couldn't control herself. She turned around and looked at him. In her mind she could see
herself hugging Anoop tight and yelling, ‘I love you too’
But she stood there in the same
place and never moved an inch.
Anoop said, “Hey….I am sorry that
I shouted out this loud. Guess I have to accept that I am a sugary guy after
all when it comes to you. I just couldn’t realize it”
In her mind, Shanila took her
head from his bosom and looked at him with tear-filled eyes.
Anoop enquired caringly, “Hey.
You are not crying. Are you?” Anoop was slowly walking and was very close to
Shanila now. “I am sure you feel the same way for me. Now that it’s open, why
do you cry? And trust me, I l not make a scene here, ending up with us being
expelled”
Fathima suddenly came in again
into the scene and dragged her from him.
Anoop was called in by his
college mates from behind to make arrangements for the next show. He had lots
of work to do. He looked at Shanila and said, “I l catch you later. Just wait.
I have to hear you say it”
So he left. While he was leaving,
he turned back a few times to see Shanila’s face. Though he was a bit uncomfortable
when Fathima dragged her away, he was happy. She was all his’ now. Shanila on
the other hand didn’t see any more shows. She went and sat inside the college
bus with Fathima till the shows ended.
The shows for the day were over
and it was time for the college buses to depart. Anoop rushed to the ‘Bus
No.9’; the bus in which Shanila used to travel; to see her once again and hear
the thing before she leaves for the day.
Once he reached there, he saw her
sitting by the side seat. He called from outside the bus, “Hey Shanila. Oye…
Look at me”
Shanila was not looking at him.
He called her again, “Oye,
Shaaans. Look at me yaar.. For God’s sake”
She didn’t look at him then too.
Anoop saw in Shanila’s eyes a new look, bold and firm. It felt to him like he
was ramming into some impenetrable barrier. The bus started to move. Anoop
yelled, “I think you are shocked. Go home and relax. But don’t be in a hurry to
sleep. Do text me. I have a lot of things to tell you... And It was not a
joke….I think you know what I meant.. Haha… I can’t ruin my reputation you
know… So Bye… Message me”
The bus left.
That night Shanila was in her
room, desolate and dull. Anoop on the other side was partying with his friends
in his PG room nearby the college. He was the star of the day; both for his
song and his active works. But his mind was full of Shanila. His plan had
worked perfectly. He just wanted it to end it in the same way as well. ‘If only she could just say it…’
Anoop wanted to call her. He was
completely boozed. But he didn’t make the call as he knew that she had a strict
environment at her house and that she slept with her Mom.
Shanila received a message in
Whatsapp.
“Hey Shaaans. Why don’t you speak
anything to me?”
Shanila didn’t type anything.
“Hey, I know that I burst out.
But when I sang the song today, I just couldn’t resist. You were in my mind
when I was singing. I know am a bit of being too much romantic here. Sorry.
But…. I really love you”
There was no reply from Shanila
yet again.
“Hey…. Why are you so silent? Was
I wrong? Or is it like….Uh… I misjudged the whole thing?”
Shanila wanted to type, “No….. You are right in your judgment. I
love you and I need you more than you can imagine. I am so addicted to you”
But she didn’t type that.
Anoop was seeing that Shanila was
online. He was very sad and felt that he was drowning. Suddenly all of his
happiness was turning into fear – fear of losing her once and forever.
He typed, “Ok. Shanila. Take
care…. Uh…. I miss you. I really don’t know what to type or what to say now. I
wanted to kiss you today. Pardon me if I am going above my limits. But… I am
just being true to my heart here.. I wanted to….. But…. Again I know I am
losing control here…….Sorry.. I was so
sure when I yelled it out loud, and believe me that I saw it your eyes too. But
now I am not sure if you love me... I beg you only one thing as of now. Please
don’t leave me and go. I am addicted to you”
Shanila was breaking into tears.
The words were echoing in her head, ‘I
am addicted to you’. It was the same thing she thought a few moments
before. She wanted to kiss him as well. She wanted to hug him as well. He was
her first love. She had never known what love and care was till then. And she
also knew that he understood her so well.
Anoop was going nuts. He couldn’t
control himself and he ended up calling Shanila twice or thrice to her phone.
The next time he dialed her number, he heard the Telephone operator say ‘Switched off’
Shanila cried till dawn. She
didn’t attend the 3rd day of the festival.
On the third and last day of the
festival, Anoop, despite his hangover of the previous night, reached college in
the afternoon itself, before the buses arrived. He went and searched ‘Bus No.
9’ once the buses arrived at the college. But Shanila was not there in it.
Some Stubble would have given him
the exact look of a ‘Devdas’.
He went and asked Fathima, who
was seen getting down from the bus.
“Fathima. Hey, where is Shanila?”
Fathima didn’t say anything and
started walking.
Anoop was getting more and more
angry with Fathima. He shouted, “Oye. Stop. What’s wrong with you? Yesterday
you were seen dragging her from me and today you are not talking to me. What’s
happening? What’s your problem? Huh”
Fathima stopped, turned back and
said in a bold tone, “Can I speak to you in private for a moment.
Anoop said, “Yes Please”
She took him to one corner of the
pathway which led to the college ground where the programs were held and asked,
“What do you know about Shanila?”
Anoop said in a hoarse tone
raising his eye brows, “What do you have to do with my knowledge on Shanila?”
Fathima heaved a deep breath and
said, “Listen, Am Sorry. Okay? I didn’t want to hurt or insult you. But let me
ask you a few questions here”
Anoop nodded and said, “Carry on”
He was grinding his teeth in anger.
“Do you know her father’s name?”
Anoop said with a shrug, “No”
“Her Mother’s?”
He laughed and said, “No”
“Her brother’s?”
He said, “What is this? No… Is
she from ‘The Mughals’ or something?”
“Her husband’s?”
Dead end! Anoop’s smile stopped. He was frozen. He didn’t answer
this question and was breathing real hard. His eyes were turning red, narrowed
with anger and moist with tears.
Fathima said, “I am sorry Anoop.
You have to know. We have some limits. Some of us enjoy like usual girls do.
But some are cursed as they are forced to marry at a very small age. And she
became prey to one such act. She was just 16 when she got married. Her husband
was not young like you. They have an age difference of 14 years. She didn’t get
a chance to know what love was, or what college life was, when she got married.
I think her husband in Dubai hasn’t even attended proper college. She is
servile to him. They don’t share love. They share a commitment. She lost her
freedom before the time came for her to enjoy. Then she met you. She was always afraid of you for she liked
you from day one. Then the liking turned into love. She never wanted you or
anyone else to know about her past. She thought she could hide it forever. She
wanted to feel your love till the end and leave. But… I… I know what she did was not right.
But she never expected that you would break loose like that yesterday. Your
love was too strong for her to handle and she was too weak to suppress her love
for you. I say all these to you because I know…… And I believe…. I believe that
you won’t tell this to anyone. But… You have to forget her Anoop. She was never
yours to dream of”
Anoop was sweating. He had his
eyes wet. He said in a trembling voice, “But she didn’t get a chance. She… She
was too small… even now also…. She is…. This is unfair… She was my first love…
I… I…” He was stammering and was on a loss for words to speak.
Fathima said, “Your ideologies
don’t work everywhere Anoop. Some hard-knit conventional systems of living are
hard to change. We have to follow our codes. We can’t just live as vagabonds
without any support from our parents. The dependency, it’s too much for us to
break free unlike you boys. Let us not talk about this anymore. I am leaving.
And I am really sorry Anoop for your loss. But I guess that’s all I have to
say. Bye”, saying this she left.
Anoop sat in the ground for a while
after she left, with his eyes red and wet fixed on to the ground. Amal and
Suhail came in and asked him what had happened. He didn’t tell them anything.
Days passed. Anoop waited for
Shanila to return. But she was never seen in the college. His agony turned into
anger and desperation and he felt like he wanted to get some justice. But she
never showed up. More than the anger in him, his love for her got the better of
him. He was struggling to find his lost rhythm.
Two months passed…
It seemed to Anoop like Shanila
never existed. Her Facebook account was deactivated. Her Whatsapp status
showed, ‘Left Whatsapp’. His e-mails went unanswered. Fathima never answered
any of his questions as well. At times
he would try to talk normal to Fathima and get the information he was seeking
from her. At times, he used to lose his control and end up shouting at her. He
even went in Shanila’s college bus once to track her house. But when he went to
her house, his answers to the questions, “Who
are you and how do you know her?” was enough for the household members of
Shanila’s family to kick him out.
The desperation was too much for
Anoop to handle and one day he went and asked Fathima in a very gray and
pleading tone, “Where is Shanila? Is she never going to come back? I beg you to
give me an answer. You know that I deserve to know”
Fathima kept quiet. But she did
answer this time, “She discontinued and left for Dubai last month. She told her
husband that she doesn’t want to study anymore”
Anoop was frozen. His face broke
into complete sadness and he asked, “It was because of me right?” His sound was
not coming up - It was broken.
Fathima didn’t say anything. But
after a small gap, she said, “It’s not your mistake. It’s not her mistake as
well. It’s the mistake of the society”
Anoop was struggling to say
something. He then somehow said, “But why and how….?”
Fathima looked at a broken Anoop
and said, “The night you called her after the fest, her mom caught her. She was
crying. Already, she was struggling and just a push from her mother was enough
for her and she opened up everything to her. She confessed. It was her Mother’s
decision that she discontinue and go to her husband in Dubai. She even talked
to me. She believed that, it was the only way for Shanila to break free the
unwanted thoughts. You should know that her family never cared if she had a
degree certificate or not. It was because she pleaded a lot that they had let
her study”
Anoop stood helpless. His face
was pale white. He said, “Unwanted thoughts? Huh. That sums up” And he started
walking back.
Fathima called him from behind
and said one thing more, “She left something for you. I thought I won’t give it
to you. It would just kill you more.. But… You deserve it… And I… I don’t have
the right to keep it from you”
And she passed him, taking from
her purse, one small scrap paper rolled beautifully. He opened it up. It
contained his hand writing. ‘Three phase
induction motors’, it read, with some drawings and formulas. Tears sprung
from his eyes. He flipped the paper. Behind it something was written in
beautiful hand writing. He recognized that it was Shanila’s with one single
look at it.
“Anoop…..
Thanks for letting me know what love is. Thanks for letting me know what I
missed. You are my first love.
I am sorry. I am sorry to have lit in you false hopes. It was my
mistake. But… I was helpless… and as you said, I was addicted to you as well…
And so addicted that I was not able to stay away from you even for one single
moment. I hurt you. I know. But I just didn’t have a way out… For an answer to
what you told that night, I have to say, “I love you too… And I have loved you
from day one”. You were right about it. But I don’t have the freedom to own you
my Anoop. Had I had a chance I would have stood by you, without your knowledge,
just to see your smile. That would have been enough for me. I would have given
you all that I have. My soul, my body, my heart… It all belongs to you… But
they are just dreams now… dreams which can never be fulfilled. When you gave me
love, I know that I have just given you pain and more pain in return.
And, you sang very well that day. I wish that you had told me before
that you sing so well. I want to hear more. But all I can hear now is your
memories chanting in my head. Please… hate me for what I have done to you. I
hid from you the things that I should have told you in the starting itself. I
planted in you the seed of love. Hate me! Please hate me for what I did! But do
know that I was not trying to cheat you. I was cheating myself. In a life
filled with darkness and sorrow, you came in and spread your love. Though, I
would shed my tears for a long time from here on, the light you filled in my
heard will forever glow. Do know that, I love you and I will do that till I
stop breathing. May Allah bless you! Good bye Anoop”
Anoop didn't say anything more. He felt his spirit leaving from him. He felt his
reason to live shattered and lost. But he had to live. He had to move ahead.
But he knew not how. He had no place to hide.
AFTER 25 YEARS:
“And she left without even a
word. I was broken indeed for she was my first love. It was hard for me to
carry on with my usual life after she left. There had been days when I used to
wonder why my first love was such a big flop. I had cried a lot. I had no idea
how to live without her. But then, the pain turned into anger and I had started
to curse her a few weeks later, after I received that paper from Fathima. And
it worked! It kept me going till the end of the college days.
But now when I look back at what happened, I
realize that women are cursed by God in this world. They give us birth and we
put them to shackles with our own hands. Why? Our world has evolved a lot from
the old, obsolete and orthodox times we have had in the past. But still there
are lots of women who are losing their right to live free for no mistake of
theirs. Shanila could have been my wife. Or maybe someone else’s. But the point
is that she could have made her own decision. Women’s ability to produce
off-springs and their vulnerability to strength and dependency is being taken
advantage of now in this generation also. If men can be audacious and free so
can be women. What’s the difference? Still I hear that there are girls studying
in different colleges with their wings clipped. They suppress their emotions.
Even if they meet someone they like, they just can’t afford to love them
because they are already married. It’s like putting a belt onto a dog’s collar
and claiming that ‘IT’S MINE’ They are not dogs. They are the reason why we
live. They are sacred. No ‘Test Tube’ science can save us without them.
Ten years back I had gone to
Dubai to attend one Festival hosted by famous TV channel ‘SONY’. I was invited
and I had taken my wife and my twin sons along with me. They wanted to enjoy
their holidays and it was like ‘May day’ for me.
Don’t mistake me for they are my life. I love
my family very much. They are the reason why I am so successful today.
While we were out for shopping in
Dubai, I had the privilege to introduce my wife to one special lady - an
awkward situation to be frank.
I met Shanila. I was shocked to
see her. She had grown all plump and mature. Her sweet eyes, that curvaceous
figure – I could see none from that old Shanila I used to love. We talked. I
was very casual in my talks and was in fact was very happy to meet her. I was
just a bit shaken on seeing her transformation into a middle-aged Mummy. But on
the other hand, her reactions were a bit complex. She stood still for a few
seconds and then started to stammer, once she started to talk. She was like
partly laughing and partly not whenever I shot at her some cheerful jokes. And
this did put me in a humiliating and vulnerable situation once or twice. The
paradox actually got the better of me when I saw her kids playing with mine –
the lady whom I wanted to have kids with, playing with my kids. And hell yeah!
She had half a dozen of that to entertain my twin pair. We talked for a few
minutes and I had to leave posthaste because of a family commitment. I had to
buy my sons some brand new Gaming Discs.
I bid
her farewell and left. It didn’t trouble or hurt me even a little bit as I
said. I was happy after all to have been blessed with the love and comfort of
an otherwise cranky wife. But when I left I had something in my heart for her.
I sympathized for her. In her hollow eyes surrounded by dark-shades, I saw a
yearning for something she lost on her way. She was crying inside. I felt it. I
wanted to comfort her by patting her on her shoulders, but my wife… I couldn’t
risk having a screwed up end to my fabulous day in the bed at night with her.
But it was at that moment that I realized that the mistake was not hers’. Like
Fathima, her old friend, told me once, “It was the mistake of the society. And
yes, It was her fall and not mine– that too an irrecoverable one”
THE END
It wasn't before long that both
Shanila and Anoop started to crave for receiving each other’s message as soon
as they get back home from the college. And surprising the whole class, Anoop
started to attend more lectures. Without Anoop bunking, Amal and Suhail were at
the receiving end – they had to attend the lectures as well which they hated
like anything. And even if Anoop bunked classes, he would make sure that he
will be available in the class for a chat with Shanila during any available
interval time. This was a potential risk factor for Amal and Suhail as they had
to act like tail pieces; they feared that Anoop might attend the lectures after
the interval time. Even Suhail, the best ‘
Romeo’ in the group, had to accept that things were going out of hand.
The usual ‘Good night and Take
care’ messages started to change and a bunch of ‘emoticons’ plus ‘expressive
and caring’ chats replaced them. Shanila would yearn for a ‘Take care my pretty Shaans’ message on
every night from Anoop. Anoop was the kind of guy who usually hated sugary talks.
He was not the best at being expressive too. But the days he chatted with
Shanila made him more creative, and he ended up creating an exception in his
mind for this single case; which was of his own.
One day, Amal got knocked out of
a ‘Rummy match’ very early while playing with Anoop, Suhail and also few others
who also bunked the classes, in Anoop’s PG room. With the help of auxiliary
connection to the speakers, it was from Anoop’s mobile that the songs were
being played in the room. As the game was played for money - a petty cash
though - Amal was in shortage of money to rejoin the tournament. They were all
playing on the floor of the neatly tiled hall of Anoop’s PG room, which would
have looked decent and beautiful if not for the presence of some burnt
cigarette butts lying scattered all over it. Amal, after getting knocked out,
rose up from his squatted posture and walked towards the wooden desk in the
hallway where Anoop’s phone was kept. He
quickly lighted one cigarette and asked Anoop after taking the phone in his
hand, “Anoop… what’s your password? I am sick of hearing songs from this
playlist”
Anoop was on the verge of winning
the hand. So, without even looking at Amal, he said, “3766”
The game went on. It wasn't before
long that Anoop noticed Amal, sitting on a chair near to the desk, laughing to
himself and enjoying like anything, but very quietly. In a flash, the reason
why Amal was laughing transpired in Anoop’s mind and he threw the cards away
and shouted, “You douche bag, gimme the phone back” He sprang up from the floor
towards Amal.
Amal seized the opportunity and
unchained the powerful urge to laugh out loud, that he had suppressed till
then, and started to cackle like anything. This drew the attention of all the
others in the room. Without paying any heed to any of this, Amal kept on
laughing. Anoop reached close to Amal very quickly. As Anoop got closer, Amal
asked him in a low voice, “Anoop, really? Since when did you become this
poetic?”
Anoop slapped Amal and started to
use all his force to get back his phone. Amal was laughing his heart out. He
said, “If you pressurize me again, I swear your poem is gonna go live in front
of these guys”
Anoop passed on a menacing look
at Amal, “No you wouldn’t do that”
Amal said, “Oh Yes, I will. It is
too much fun” and he broke out laughing again.
The game had stopped and the
players were looking at Amal. Amal was everyone’s favourite in the college for
his quick wit and joyful nature. Everyone wanted to know what was happening.
One guy called out, “Hey Amal, what is it?”
Amal replied to this, “Looks like
we forgot to realize we have a Shakespeare here…. A cajoling and local Shakespeare
though”
Hearing this, Anoop ducked his
head to Amal’s ears with his hands clamped tight onto Amal’s. Amal had tightly
gripped the mobile using both his hands. It was impossible for Anoop to take it
back by force. Once Anoop realized that fact, he whispered to Amal,
“Pleaaaaaaase… Come! Let’s go to that room and talk”
And after repeated efforts, which
were but full of pleas, Anoop somehow persuaded Amal to go to another room with
him. He wanted to somehow talk sense to Amal. These attempts only brought out
an even better guffaw from Amal. Suhail quickly rose up and tried to join them
in the private chat, but the door was slammed right across his face as Anoop
was very careful about not to leak the information more. Inside the room, Anoop
made Amal sit in the bed. Amal asked Anoop, “Shaaans?”
Anoop’s face was red with
embarrassment. He didn’t speak anything.
Amal continued, “I thought you
were a tough guy. But Pretty Shaans? Sweet heart? What the fuck! Wait till I
get this news to Suhail. You had made fun of him for his sentimental approach
towards girls right”
Anoop replied, “No… No… No…
Please… I will do anything for you. This is not like that. This is… This is.. Divine actually…” He gulped after
saying the last word.
Hearing this Amal laughed even
more. He was not even able to sit properly and was reaching for the nearby
chair for support. Holding his stomach with one hand, he said, “I can’t take
this anymore. Divine? What? You two are planning to release a new Bible or
something with your sex-chats?”
Anoop replied, with
uncontrollable anger, “You can’t understand it. It’s not a sex chat. It’s
called care. You know only to jerk off”
Amal said grinning at him, “Yeah
correct. It’s not Bible. It’s an entirely new version of Kamasutra. Isn’t it?”
This was enough for Anoop to
pounce at Amal and start fighting. Amal was getting all the beatings. But he
was laughing all along with that.
For the next few days, Anoop was
the official sponsor of all Alcoholic and Tobacco-related items that Amal
wanted. Like ‘The Godfather’, Anoop
made an offer to Amal that he could not refuse. But it went only for a few days
until Amal had to depend completely on Anoop again to bunk the classes with
full attendance.
But the days were like hell for
Anoop. Not just Anoop, but at times, for Shanila as well, though she had no
idea why. Anoop didn’t tell about this incident to Shanila. But Shanila always felt
a bit awkward when Amal used to look and smile at her in a typical way. And
even one day, Amal after seeking some help from Shanila for some record writing
stuff, thanked Shanila in a whole new manner to worsen the situation, “Thank
you Shaaaaaaaaaaans”
But all these never hindered the
intimate relationship between Shanila and Anoop. The only complaint Anoop had,
was that Shanila was not at all letting her emotions flow.
Shanila never used to express any
of her emotions. She would just reply, ‘Good night’ for a long
‘Good night
Sweet dreams, Sleep tight my dear Shaans, Lots of love, I miss you,
Can’t wait till tomorrow to see you again, etc.’ message from Anoop.
This only made Anoop feel more embarrassed
as he felt like he was acting like a servile wheedler to Shanila. But he
couldn’t help it. The worst part used to come when Anoop was drunk. The next
morning on checking his sent messages, his half-black parched lower-lip
automatically stretches downward with wrinkled noses and pulled eyebrows. “AARGH”
But he always wondered why
Shanila never used to get frustrated or angry. He even wondered why she would
not just walk out of the chat when he was out of his control. And that
explained a lot to Anoop.
Anoop was getting really attached
to Shanila. He started to care for her. These caring sessions usually brought up
a feeling of wretch to Amal. The awkwardness that Anoop used to feel in the
morning, whenever he checked the ‘sent-item box’ in his mobile after a late
night boozing session, dawned in Amal as well when he saw the clumsy and
romantic expressions on Anoop’s face whenever he met Shanila. “YUCK”.
And for this, Amal used to take his revenge by teasing Anoop. “Did your pretty
Shaans have lunch?”, “Did your pretty Shaans write her exams well?” and even
“Did your pretty Shaans wear an underwear today?” Anoop used to pummel Amal
like anything for this. But the most likely case was him keeping quiet. Amal’s
knowledge on this subject posed a serious threat that loomed around Anoop’s
prestige and freak-status among his college mates. And it was too big for him
to risk.
Anoop used to sit by Shanila’s
side during the interval hours and talk to her on his adventures at his house
and with his friends. But Shanila never had anything to share with him on her
personal affairs. He only knew the name of her father, which was “Shajahan” and
that too, only with the help of the daily attendance in the college.
Though Shanila was not open to
Anoop on her personal stuffs, her way of caring Anoop was by being very strict
with him. She never was concerned about him bunking the classes for she knew he
would get the attendance somehow by coaxing the teachers. But she was strict
with him whenever the exam-times approached. She insisted that he studied. This
part was affecting Amal as well. But Shanila became the reason for Anoop and
Amal not getting debarred.
Eight months to the relationship
and the College Annual festival arrived. Shanila had never attended any of the previous college festivals. In fact, she was never allowed to before, by her
parents. But that year she pleaded and somehow persuaded her parents to let her
attend the three-day festival. She did that because, the fact that Anoop was
the Arts club secretary really mattered to her this time. Anoop had pressurized
Shanila to attend it as well. He used to tell Shanila that it was not just
about her seeing his Managerial skills, but something else too. He also told
her that he had given his name for some competition. She would very often ask
him as to what he was planning to do. But Anoop used the tag, ‘SURPRISE’ to keep her quiet. Shanila
even asked Amal as to what Anoop was going to perform. Amal only said one thing
whenever such questions came to him, “It’s going to be a blast. That’s all you
have to know Shaaaans”
The stretched and mocking ‘Shaaaaans’ call by Amal made Shanila
stop asking him more on the subject.
The College Annual day was on.
The timing was from evening 4 pm to 10 pm. College buses were there to drop the
students back home thereafter.
It was a three-day cultural fest.
And on the first day, Shanila didn’t see Anoop perform anything at all. She
even wondered whether it would be just a prank to somehow make her attend the
fest. But on attending the festival she understood another thing; the reason why
Anoop used to describe the college as a ‘Mini-Goa’
when the festival time was on, after the sun sets in. The college was full
of part-time drunkards. What happened in the stage never really mattered to any
of the male spectators – just the music was enough to turn them on.
Shanila couldn’t even get a
chance to meet Anoop for he was that busy with his schedules. But she never
complained.
It was the second day and at 6 p
m the solo-song competition started.
The usual practice was that from
each branch viz. Electrical, Mechanical, Automobile, Computer science etc., a
group of best 4 performers were selected through a separate screening process
that usually happened before the festival. The selected few were then to
perform and compete in the big stage.
After the first three
performances, the Anchor came in to the stage and said, “Wow! That was one
breath-taking performance from Vineeth. I really wish to speak more on
Vineeth’s performance, but at present I can’t wait till we move on to the next
one. Sorry Vineeth, No offence. You will know why, once I finish announcing the
name of the next participant. Yes! We have a surprise participant here guys.
Even I was kept in the dark about this guy going to perform. And it surely
raises my apprehensions. No doubt. I
can’t wait till I finish announcing” Someone from the front row of the crowd
shouted at this, “Then announce and get the hell out of here” The Anchor was
stunned with this response. “Ok, Ok… Calm down.. I am also very eager to see
this guy perform. So, I am not dragging this anymore. Next we have on stage,
our one and only………. Guess who… Our Arts club secretary, Anoop Rudrat… from 4th
Year ‘Electrical and Electronics’ batch. Guys…. give him a big hand. He is the
heart and soul of this festival”
Anoop slowly walked in and once
he entered the stage, people started howling and calling his name. He was very
famous in the college. All expected a fun scene. Some teachers were frowning as
they were angry, thinking how he ended up in the Main stage after clearing the
screening process. After all, Anoop was the Arts club secretary and nothing was
impossible for him.
He came to the stage and waited a
bit for the people to stop howling. Then he said through the mike, “C’mon guys.
Shut up”
The students stopped for a second
and started howling again.
Anoop said, “Oh God, now I know
what hell looks like” The college Principal seated in the front row was fuming
with anger. He asked the college Director sitting to his left, “Who gave this
guy a chance? He is gonna screw my sleep tonight. I will rip him apart if he
makes a joke of us up from there”
The howling and whistling was
still on.
Anoop continued, “I l give you an
even better chance to howl. Now give me a break” and he laughed in front of the
mike.
The students erupted again. Anoop
was still laughing. This was when the lights were turned off and the laser
lights started working. The karaoke of “Tum hi ho” Hindi song from the movie
‘Aashiqui 2’ started to play. The crowd fell into silence. They never expected
the Karaoke of such a song for Anoop to start singing.
Amal said to Suhail standing to
his left, “Romeo cut loose…Here we go...”
The crowd waited. And then his
sound erupted through the speakers. The grandeur of his voice was impeccable.
The mellifluous tune of a grand singer put the entire crowd into pin drop
silence. None was moving. It felt to all like some professional singer was
singing the song up from the stage. The bodies of the students started to move
in tandem with his voice. In few seconds the whole crowd was clapping in tandem
to the beats of the song and they were moving like a wave. Only one person
didn’t move. It was Shanila. Her eyes were moist with tears. She felt like the
song was meant for her. Suddenly out of nowhere she felt proud that ‘he was hers’. She forgot everything.
Anoop was breaking into all the
pitches and heights. He was smiling and playing with the emotions of the crowd.
The song’s last stanza, he took to the highest range and ended up with a
different tone proving to all the spectators, his might to go the utmost
standards of a singer. His eyes were closed when he was singing the last stanza.
Some girls even had their eyes wet with tears. Amal was shell-shocked seeing
this. He told Suhail with his eyes fixed on the girls who were enjoying his
song, “I always knew this fucker knows how to sing. But I never imagined he
will get a chance to play with some ____ with this exotic song”
Suhail shouted, “Exotic? Oh shut
up. You can’t possibly understand this feeling”
Amal looked at Suhail with his
eyebrows arched and said, “Oh sorry! I forgot I was talking to another Romeo
here”
This was when Anoop opened his
eyes. His eyes were moist with tears. But he was not crying. A slight smile was
there, hidden in his lips. Shanila was standing up from her seat without her
knowledge. So were a lot of other girls in the crowd too. Before the crowd
started to clap and whistle, Anoop shot a quick glance at Shanila and said,
“Thank you” and got out from the stage asap.
The Principal was sitting like
hit by some High Voltage Electric Current. He said under his breath, “Damn”
The crowd was roaring. The Anchor
was back on the stage and Anoop came out through the back stage. Shanila in
haste got up from her seat and wriggled her way out from the nasty crowd. She
wanted to meet him ASAP. Once she reached there, she saw that Anoop was
surrounded by his friends. But she saw him moving them aside and trying to come
to her. She thought in her mind, ‘You
are mine.. Just mine’ Shanila kept on repeating this in her mind. She was
about to go and hug him any moment. She was waiting until he got close to her.
She didn’t care about anything else in the world at that particular moment.
Anoop had his eyes riveted into
Shanila’s. He shouted out aloud, “Oye… That was meant for you” And Anoop was
moving towards Shanila in a small jog.
Suddenly Fathima came from
Shanila’s behind and took her hand by force and asked her in a fervent manner,
‘What are you doing?’
Shanila looked at Fathima blankly
– She was in an entirely different world. Fathima pressed, forcing Shanila to
concentrate, “What are you doing Shanila? I thought you promised me that you
would….” Shanila looked at Fathima for quite a while blankly. She then nodded
her head like she was relinquishing something. Her eyes were red. Accepting the
reality, she came back to her senses.
Shanila shook her head, turned
back and started walking back to her seat.
Anoop started to run behind her.
He was calling, ‘Hey…Shanila…. Shaans……… Hey……..”
Shanila didn’t pay heed to any of
these.
Anoop called again, “Shaaans….
Oye……… I love you…”
Shanila stopped. But she didn’t
turn back.
Anoop said again, “I love you
Shaans”, He was gasping heavily. He had stopped as well and said, “I can’t run
behind you anymore. Just stop”
Shanila was crying. She couldn't control herself. She turned around and looked at him. In her mind she could see
herself hugging Anoop tight and yelling, ‘I love you too’
But she stood there in the same
place and never moved an inch.
Anoop said, “Hey….I am sorry that
I shouted out this loud. Guess I have to accept that I am a sugary guy after
all when it comes to you. I just couldn’t realize it”
In her mind, Shanila took her
head from his bosom and looked at him with tear-filled eyes.
Anoop enquired caringly, “Hey.
You are not crying. Are you?” Anoop was slowly walking and was very close to
Shanila now. “I am sure you feel the same way for me. Now that it’s open, why
do you cry? And trust me, I l not make a scene here, ending up with us being
expelled”
Fathima suddenly came in again
into the scene and dragged her from him.
Anoop was called in by his
college mates from behind to make arrangements for the next show. He had lots
of work to do. He looked at Shanila and said, “I l catch you later. Just wait.
I have to hear you say it”
So he left. While he was leaving,
he turned back a few times to see Shanila’s face. Though he was a bit uncomfortable
when Fathima dragged her away, he was happy. She was all his’ now. Shanila on
the other hand didn’t see any more shows. She went and sat inside the college
bus with Fathima till the shows ended.
The shows for the day were over
and it was time for the college buses to depart. Anoop rushed to the ‘Bus
No.9’; the bus in which Shanila used to travel; to see her once again and hear
the thing before she leaves for the day.
Once he reached there, he saw her
sitting by the side seat. He called from outside the bus, “Hey Shanila. Oye…
Look at me”
Shanila was not looking at him.
He called her again, “Oye,
Shaaans. Look at me yaar.. For God’s sake”
She didn’t look at him then too.
Anoop saw in Shanila’s eyes a new look, bold and firm. It felt to him like he
was ramming into some impenetrable barrier. The bus started to move. Anoop
yelled, “I think you are shocked. Go home and relax. But don’t be in a hurry to
sleep. Do text me. I have a lot of things to tell you... And It was not a
joke….I think you know what I meant.. Haha… I can’t ruin my reputation you
know… So Bye… Message me”
The bus left.
That night Shanila was in her
room, desolate and dull. Anoop on the other side was partying with his friends
in his PG room nearby the college. He was the star of the day; both for his
song and his active works. But his mind was full of Shanila. His plan had
worked perfectly. He just wanted it to end it in the same way as well. ‘If only she could just say it…’
Anoop wanted to call her. He was
completely boozed. But he didn’t make the call as he knew that she had a strict
environment at her house and that she slept with her Mom.
Shanila received a message in
Whatsapp.
“Hey Shaaans. Why don’t you speak
anything to me?”
Shanila didn’t type anything.
“Hey, I know that I burst out.
But when I sang the song today, I just couldn’t resist. You were in my mind
when I was singing. I know am a bit of being too much romantic here. Sorry.
But…. I really love you”
There was no reply from Shanila
yet again.
“Hey…. Why are you so silent? Was
I wrong? Or is it like….Uh… I misjudged the whole thing?”
Shanila wanted to type, “No….. You are right in your judgment. I
love you and I need you more than you can imagine. I am so addicted to you”
But she didn’t type that.
Anoop was seeing that Shanila was
online. He was very sad and felt that he was drowning. Suddenly all of his
happiness was turning into fear – fear of losing her once and forever.
He typed, “Ok. Shanila. Take
care…. Uh…. I miss you. I really don’t know what to type or what to say now. I
wanted to kiss you today. Pardon me if I am going above my limits. But… I am
just being true to my heart here.. I wanted to….. But…. Again I know I am
losing control here…….Sorry.. I was so
sure when I yelled it out loud, and believe me that I saw it your eyes too. But
now I am not sure if you love me... I beg you only one thing as of now. Please
don’t leave me and go. I am addicted to you”
Shanila was breaking into tears.
The words were echoing in her head, ‘I
am addicted to you’. It was the same thing she thought a few moments
before. She wanted to kiss him as well. She wanted to hug him as well. He was
her first love. She had never known what love and care was till then. And she
also knew that he understood her so well.
Anoop was going nuts. He couldn’t
control himself and he ended up calling Shanila twice or thrice to her phone.
The next time he dialed her number, he heard the Telephone operator say ‘Switched off’
Shanila cried till dawn. She
didn’t attend the 3rd day of the festival.
On the third and last day of the
festival, Anoop, despite his hangover of the previous night, reached college in
the afternoon itself, before the buses arrived. He went and searched ‘Bus No.
9’ once the buses arrived at the college. But Shanila was not there in it.
Some Stubble would have given him
the exact look of a ‘Devdas’.
He went and asked Fathima, who
was seen getting down from the bus.
“Fathima. Hey, where is Shanila?”
Fathima didn’t say anything and
started walking.
Anoop was getting more and more
angry with Fathima. He shouted, “Oye. Stop. What’s wrong with you? Yesterday
you were seen dragging her from me and today you are not talking to me. What’s
happening? What’s your problem? Huh”
Fathima stopped, turned back and
said in a bold tone, “Can I speak to you in private for a moment.
Anoop said, “Yes Please”
She took him to one corner of the
pathway which led to the college ground where the programs were held and asked,
“What do you know about Shanila?”
Anoop said in a hoarse tone
raising his eye brows, “What do you have to do with my knowledge on Shanila?”
Fathima heaved a deep breath and
said, “Listen, Am Sorry. Okay? I didn’t want to hurt or insult you. But let me
ask you a few questions here”
Anoop nodded and said, “Carry on”
He was grinding his teeth in anger.
“Do you know her father’s name?”
Anoop said with a shrug, “No”
“Her Mother’s?”
He laughed and said, “No”
“Her brother’s?”
He said, “What is this? No… Is
she from ‘The Mughals’ or something?”
“Her husband’s?”
Dead end! Anoop’s smile stopped. He was frozen. He didn’t answer
this question and was breathing real hard. His eyes were turning red, narrowed
with anger and moist with tears.
Fathima said, “I am sorry Anoop.
You have to know. We have some limits. Some of us enjoy like usual girls do.
But some are cursed as they are forced to marry at a very small age. And she
became prey to one such act. She was just 16 when she got married. Her husband
was not young like you. They have an age difference of 14 years. She didn’t get
a chance to know what love was, or what college life was, when she got married.
I think her husband in Dubai hasn’t even attended proper college. She is
servile to him. They don’t share love. They share a commitment. She lost her
freedom before the time came for her to enjoy. Then she met you. She was always afraid of you for she liked
you from day one. Then the liking turned into love. She never wanted you or
anyone else to know about her past. She thought she could hide it forever. She
wanted to feel your love till the end and leave. But… I… I know what she did was not right.
But she never expected that you would break loose like that yesterday. Your
love was too strong for her to handle and she was too weak to suppress her love
for you. I say all these to you because I know…… And I believe…. I believe that
you won’t tell this to anyone. But… You have to forget her Anoop. She was never
yours to dream of”
Anoop was sweating. He had his
eyes wet. He said in a trembling voice, “But she didn’t get a chance. She… She
was too small… even now also…. She is…. This is unfair… She was my first love…
I… I…” He was stammering and was on a loss for words to speak.
Fathima said, “Your ideologies
don’t work everywhere Anoop. Some hard-knit conventional systems of living are
hard to change. We have to follow our codes. We can’t just live as vagabonds
without any support from our parents. The dependency, it’s too much for us to
break free unlike you boys. Let us not talk about this anymore. I am leaving.
And I am really sorry Anoop for your loss. But I guess that’s all I have to
say. Bye”, saying this she left.
Anoop sat in the ground for a while
after she left, with his eyes red and wet fixed on to the ground. Amal and
Suhail came in and asked him what had happened. He didn’t tell them anything.
Days passed. Anoop waited for
Shanila to return. But she was never seen in the college. His agony turned into
anger and desperation and he felt like he wanted to get some justice. But she
never showed up. More than the anger in him, his love for her got the better of
him. He was struggling to find his lost rhythm.
Two months passed…
It seemed to Anoop like Shanila
never existed. Her Facebook account was deactivated. Her Whatsapp status
showed, ‘Left Whatsapp’. His e-mails went unanswered. Fathima never answered
any of his questions as well. At times
he would try to talk normal to Fathima and get the information he was seeking
from her. At times, he used to lose his control and end up shouting at her. He
even went in Shanila’s college bus once to track her house. But when he went to
her house, his answers to the questions, “Who
are you and how do you know her?” was enough for the household members of
Shanila’s family to kick him out.
The desperation was too much for
Anoop to handle and one day he went and asked Fathima in a very gray and
pleading tone, “Where is Shanila? Is she never going to come back? I beg you to
give me an answer. You know that I deserve to know”
Fathima kept quiet. But she did
answer this time, “She discontinued and left for Dubai last month. She told her
husband that she doesn’t want to study anymore”
Anoop was frozen. His face broke
into complete sadness and he asked, “It was because of me right?” His sound was
not coming up - It was broken.
Fathima didn’t say anything. But
after a small gap, she said, “It’s not your mistake. It’s not her mistake as
well. It’s the mistake of the society”
Anoop was struggling to say
something. He then somehow said, “But why and how….?”
Fathima looked at a broken Anoop
and said, “The night you called her after the fest, her mom caught her. She was
crying. Already, she was struggling and just a push from her mother was enough
for her and she opened up everything to her. She confessed. It was her Mother’s
decision that she discontinue and go to her husband in Dubai. She even talked
to me. She believed that, it was the only way for Shanila to break free the
unwanted thoughts. You should know that her family never cared if she had a
degree certificate or not. It was because she pleaded a lot that they had let
her study”
Anoop stood helpless. His face
was pale white. He said, “Unwanted thoughts? Huh. That sums up” And he started
walking back.
Fathima called him from behind
and said one thing more, “She left something for you. I thought I won’t give it
to you. It would just kill you more.. But… You deserve it… And I… I don’t have
the right to keep it from you”
And she passed him, taking from
her purse, one small scrap paper rolled beautifully. He opened it up. It
contained his hand writing. ‘Three phase
induction motors’, it read, with some drawings and formulas. Tears sprung
from his eyes. He flipped the paper. Behind it something was written in
beautiful hand writing. He recognized that it was Shanila’s with one single
look at it.
“Anoop…..
Thanks for letting me know what love is. Thanks for letting me know what I
missed. You are my first love.
I am sorry. I am sorry to have lit in you false hopes. It was my
mistake. But… I was helpless… and as you said, I was addicted to you as well…
And so addicted that I was not able to stay away from you even for one single
moment. I hurt you. I know. But I just didn’t have a way out… For an answer to
what you told that night, I have to say, “I love you too… And I have loved you
from day one”. You were right about it. But I don’t have the freedom to own you
my Anoop. Had I had a chance I would have stood by you, without your knowledge,
just to see your smile. That would have been enough for me. I would have given
you all that I have. My soul, my body, my heart… It all belongs to you… But
they are just dreams now… dreams which can never be fulfilled. When you gave me
love, I know that I have just given you pain and more pain in return.
And, you sang very well that day. I wish that you had told me before
that you sing so well. I want to hear more. But all I can hear now is your
memories chanting in my head. Please… hate me for what I have done to you. I
hid from you the things that I should have told you in the starting itself. I
planted in you the seed of love. Hate me! Please hate me for what I did! But do
know that I was not trying to cheat you. I was cheating myself. In a life
filled with darkness and sorrow, you came in and spread your love. Though, I
would shed my tears for a long time from here on, the light you filled in my
heard will forever glow. Do know that, I love you and I will do that till I
stop breathing. May Allah bless you! Good bye Anoop”
Anoop didn't say anything more. He felt his spirit leaving from him. He felt his
reason to live shattered and lost. But he had to live. He had to move ahead.
But he knew not how. He had no place to hide.
AFTER 25 YEARS:
An excerpt from a Biography,
‘Seasons of life’ written by renowned singer and playwright, Anoop Rudrat:
“And she left without even a
word. I was broken indeed for she was my first love. It was hard for me to
carry on with my usual life after she left. There had been days when I used to
wonder why my first love was such a big flop. I had cried a lot. I had no idea
how to live without her. But then, the pain turned into anger and I had started
to curse her a few weeks later, after I received that paper from Fathima. And
it worked! It kept me going till the end of the college days.
But now when I look back at what happened, I
realize that women are cursed by God in this world. They give us birth and we
put them to shackles with our own hands. Why? Our world has evolved a lot from
the old, obsolete and orthodox times we have had in the past. But still there
are lots of women who are losing their right to live free for no mistake of
theirs. Shanila could have been my wife. Or maybe someone else’s. But the point
is that she could have made her own decision. Women’s ability to produce
off-springs and their vulnerability to strength and dependency is being taken
advantage of now in this generation also. If men can be audacious and free so
can be women. What’s the difference? Still I hear that there are girls studying
in different colleges with their wings clipped. They suppress their emotions.
Even if they meet someone they like, they just can’t afford to love them
because they are already married. It’s like putting a belt onto a dog’s collar
and claiming that ‘IT’S MINE’ They are not dogs. They are the reason why we
live. They are sacred. No ‘Test Tube’ science can save us without them.
Ten years back I had gone to
Dubai to attend one Festival hosted by famous TV channel ‘SONY’. I was invited
and I had taken my wife and my twin sons along with me. They wanted to enjoy
their holidays and it was like ‘May day’ for me.
Don’t mistake me for they are my life. I love
my family very much. They are the reason why I am so successful today.
While we were out for shopping in
Dubai, I had the privilege to introduce my wife to one special lady - an
awkward situation to be frank.
I met Shanila. I was shocked to
see her. She had grown all plump and mature. Her sweet eyes, that curvaceous
figure – I could see none from that old Shanila I used to love. We talked. I
was very casual in my talks and was in fact was very happy to meet her. I was
just a bit shaken on seeing her transformation into a middle-aged Mummy. But on
the other hand, her reactions were a bit complex. She stood still for a few
seconds and then started to stammer, once she started to talk. She was like
partly laughing and partly not whenever I shot at her some cheerful jokes. And
this did put me in a humiliating and vulnerable situation once or twice. The
paradox actually got the better of me when I saw her kids playing with mine –
the lady whom I wanted to have kids with, playing with my kids. And hell yeah!
She had half a dozen of that to entertain my twin pair. We talked for a few
minutes and I had to leave posthaste because of a family commitment. I had to
buy my sons some brand new Gaming Discs.
I bid
her farewell and left. It didn’t trouble or hurt me even a little bit as I
said. I was happy after all to have been blessed with the love and comfort of
an otherwise cranky wife. But when I left I had something in my heart for her.
I sympathized for her. In her hollow eyes surrounded by dark-shades, I saw a
yearning for something she lost on her way. She was crying inside. I felt it. I
wanted to comfort her by patting her on her shoulders, but my wife… I couldn’t
risk having a screwed up end to my fabulous day in the bed at night with her.
But it was at that moment that I realized that the mistake was not hers’. Like
Fathima, her old friend, told me once, “It was the mistake of the society. And
yes, It was her fall and not mine– that too an irrecoverable one”
THE END
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