THE GHOST OF PAST

THE GHOST OF PAST

“When you crave future, the past is your enemy…”

With a blurry vision, Eva walked across the pavement, searching for her house. She felt her legs giving up on her. Her head was spinning, but she could make out the street vendors and wayfarers, who had their gazes fixed on her, with bemused expressions.

 ‘Must have been my lumbering walk…’ she thought.

With each step, Eva was feeling more and more uncomfortable. The sun also contributed to this - It was at its scorching best, causing tiny drops of sweat to course its way down, from her forehead to the side of her neck. She was thirsty, and she wiped her parched lips with her tongue. 

Eva was not sure, if she got down at the correct place or not. Auto drivers can be tricky at times; she knew.

However, all these things were secondary to her mind, which kept on reminding her of what happened.

“I didn’t expect this to be so…. so substandard, if I put it in a decent way. You made me feel like I am doing a wooden log. I felt nothing.” he had said.

Just the memory of his words was making her high, and she started to wobble. She was losing control. This was when she saw the red signage board on the other side of the road, which read, ’KFC’.

‘Must be KFC’ she thought. The signage had been her pointer, ever since she moved to her new tavern. Whenever she was too drunk, this board had always come to her rescue. It was her cue to take a left turn, towards her house. It was hardly a 30 seconds walk from there. She had done it so many times, and she did the same this time as well.

She reached her doorsteps, and leaned over to touch the wall for support. She blinked couple of times, like desperately trying to regain control over her mind, which drifted now and then to unknown directions. Eva rooted through her handbag, and with a trembling hand, took the key. She somehow managed to open the front door. 

Leaving the door open behind her, she threw her handbag on the floor, and fell on her back to the sofa. She was tired, and drained. Again, the memories took control of her mind. It was like a movie scene, which kept on playing repeatedly on the screen. She felt a strong urge to puke, but she controlled. 

‘Experience’.

 Eva closed her eyes tight, as the memories started to juxtapose by themselves, inside her head.

She started to mumble, ‘That’s it. He won’t come to me again. I knew it all along, but...

It was today that I realised, but I cannot digest... I cannot take it in…

The realisations had the power of a hailstorm. It wrecked the confidence in me. It uprooted even the little amount of pride in me.

It was never a lie, but truth wrapped in an invisible cover.

Now, how can I find solace? How can I make peace with my heart? How do I live with it?

I am down and the negativity has brewed in me.  I roaming alone now, hunting for the never-to-be found answers. I want you back…’

Eva opened her eyes and shouted, “What am I thinking. Wake up Eva.” She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself, but that didn’t help as her eyes shut yet again.

___________

Eva desperately wanted to change her life. She had said no to drinks and drugs andshe did this for a man. He was younger to her, but she couldn’t say no to his care and love. It wasn’t before long, that she fell in love with him. There were times, when she used to hook up with people every day. Anyone with a good sex drive, well built body, or a thick wallet would do just fine for her. She seldom said no to people, when they ask her for a date. 

But those were matters of the past. 

She had chucked the baggage of her past and its dark memories, out of her life. It was because he had given her hope. He had given her love. He had cuddled her; he had praised of her beauty, and innocence. He said, he could read her mind. He was, she had felt, the only person who understood her completely.

But the dream run was over. He sees her now as a coquette, or a slut maybe.

‘But you don’t know my past...’

It was Eva’s uncle, who brought her up in Assam, and he was the person, who plugged in her the virus of ‘sex’. She had been having sexual intercourse with him ever since she was 12. Thirteen years have passed, and now it was like doing chores for her. Sex never intrigued her. It never meant anything to her, yet it was unavoidable. She had always wanted to stop, and start living like a normal family girl, but she had never succeeded in doing so, despite trying many times.

‘Alas, he ended up as yet another customer’, she thought. “But… I loved you,” she said as if he was sitting right next to her on the sofa.

She remembered the way he gently stroked her hair. She remembered the times, when he sneaked into her workplace, just for a kiss. Now, she wanted him, but he was too far away from her.

She had always feared that this might happen one day, but not in this fashion.

He was alone in his house, and he had invited her to spend some time with him. Eva was excited at the prospect of spending time with him, but she never knew that he had bought a bottle of Vodka. When he handed her a drink, she couldn’t say no. They boozed together for quite long time.  

‘Vodka….Huh…’ she thought, and smiled with her eyes still shut. ‘I would have my life if you had asked, but you asked for a drink.’

She remembered that he had kissed her. She had kissed him back as if it was her last chance. They fell back on the sofa, and love filled the air. But, things changed when the drinks started to mix with her blood. That was when she just lost it. She became a prey to her old habits, and those habits killed his mood.

‘It’s no mistake of yours dear’ she thought, ‘I deserve this’.

She had no memories of the events that followed, but she recalled his question, after he inserted into her:

“You don’t feel anything?” His face was repulsive enough to convey everything.

 

When she was dressing up, she had noticed him… he wasn’t even looking at her.

It was his friend, who came to drop her back at her house. But He did not come.

‘Maybe, I became a despicable object to you…’ she thought, as a drop of tear trickled down her cheeks.

When his friend entered the house, he told his him in his mother tongue, “Thani veshi aada.”

He never knew, she understood a little Malayalam, and that she was familiar with the word, ‘Veshi’. It meant, ‘Prostitute’

Eva was feeling very high, as it had been ages since she drank. She wanted to kiss him before leaving his house, but he had turned tail when she attempted to do so. 

Love was just a matter of past for him.

___________

 Eva opened her eyes. She slowly got up from the sofa. For some reason, she wanted alcohol badly. Eva lumbered her way across the hall, and reached for her phone, which was inside her handbag.

She dialed her old friend, or rather her ‘supplier’. The phone started ringing at the other end.

“Hey… Eva. Long time…,” answered the person at the other end.

“I want a bottle of rum… White,” she said bluntly.

“Okay…” he exclaimed. “So… you are back, huh? I had tried calling you so many times. But you never picked up. I thought…”

“Loo… Look” she stammered, “Just get me what I asked for… and… And don’t forget the cigarettes…”

“Oh honey, don’t be so rude. I will bring them, but… uh…. That doesn’t change what I want in return, you know. I am still the same old guy.” he said and laughed sheepishly.

She took a deep breath and said, “No, Not today!”

After a pause, he said, “Sorry… uh… I am tight. So, I have to arrange for money and it’s not that easy,”

She took a swallow of her saliva and said, “O.K. Just, don’t make it late. I want it now.”

“All right! I’ll be there in one hour or so, dear. I have to pick up those school kids. Once I finish dropping them at their houses, I will come ASAP.”

Eva cut the call and pressed the phone to her chest.

She closed her eyes. She couldn’t believe, she was doing this. Hours ago, she had dreamt of a family, and now….  

‘Maybe, this is my life’ she thought.

Tears flooded its way across her face. She yelled at the top of her voice, “I love you….” and broke down on the floor crying.